Tough Love
I remember a day that I got into trouble and my mom brought out the belt. She said “This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.”
“Yeah, right,” I thought.
It wasn’t until I was a mother that I truly understood what she meant. And it wasn’t when I spanked my own young offspring.... it was years later, when one of them asked for financial help- again.
I had prayed and prayed that God would work things out for my adult child... but in the 11th hour, when it seemed all hope was lost, I caved and transferred the money.
"So you don’t trust me with your children?”
Thump. Right up side my head. Ouch.
That was the day I learned about tough love and how I was hurting, more than helping, my children by allowing them to depend on me for things they could (and should) be able to provide for themselves.
The next time this adult child asked for money, I felt a peace in saying, “No. You’ll have to figure this one out on your own.”
That hurt me more than it hurt my child. Trust me.
Now- that same child has figured it out. That child makes more money than I ever made. That child has a car that’s paid for. That child is living the life they dreamed of.
I take no credit, because honestly, if it was up to me, I would have kept coddling and easing the pain of growing up in every way possible... because I thought that was love. And I love my kids more than the air I breathe. But I had to allow them to feel the consequences of their choices.
That’s the only way they learn.
That felt easier when it was a forgotten homework assignment or a chore they neglected. Those consequences were easier. Those consequences wouldn’t leave my kid homeless.
I know adulting is hard and I wanted to protect them from the inevitable pain, but I was only delaying their growth and development.
Shame on me.
It’s not easy to step back and let someone you care for suffer. It feels like betrayal. It sucks.
But in the end, true love wants what is best for the other person. And often what’s best isn’t necessarily what’s easy.
Tough love means setting boundaries.
Tough love means accountability.
Tough love is hard, but so is the eventual resentment that comes with caving in over and over and picking up the pieces.
Choose your hard.
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