My Stinkin', Lyin', Evil Heart
Today, I am praising God for a victory...one that shows personal growth.
When does growth occur? In the beautiful, sunny days - when blue skies show no hint of rain? We all know that sunshine is a necessary part of the process, but when we compare a desert to a rain forest, we are forced to admit that growth obviously occurs more prolifically in the rainy conditions than under those sunny, blue skies.
Several days ago, I ran into an old friend who keeps up with me on Facebook. She asked about the grandkids, and other things she had seen me posting about. With a huge smile on her face, she shook her head and said, 'Your life is so perfect!'
Of course, this caused me to raise an eyebrow at her and chuckle. 'Not exactly.'
What she doesn't know is that sometimes, God allows the rain to fall on my spirit, but He does it to bring growth. Beautiful, necessary growth. I'm not ashamed of it. So why doesn't my friend realize that I, too, have 'problems' - just like everyone else? Because I don't advertise them. I am not one who puts all my junk out there for the world to see. I don't seek out commiseration. (It's true, misery loves company...I would even argue that misery needs company to thrive.)
That being said, what I want to share with you today isn't a cry for other disgruntled wives to join in a war-cry. It's a praise report that I hope will give you (or someone you know) hope and encouragement.
My husband isn't perfect. (Shock!) **disclaimer: neither am I!** He's perfect for me, however, and I truly believe that he is the one God created with me in mind. The one who would be my Earthly soul-mate. In his imperfections, there have been some things that have happened over the course of going-on-eighteen years of marriage that have allowed seeds of doubt and distrust to be scattered (not planted - because they weren't put there on purpose. More like weeds that show up and must be constantly pulled or they will soon take over!) My marriage is a testament to God's faithfulness and the kind of forgiveness that He expects us to extend to one another.
Randy's job takes him away from home on average, about once a week, usually an overnight trip. This hasn't been easy - especially when there were seven children at home and baby pigs being born in the barn, but that's another story. He has more Marriott points than you can shake a stick at. (Whatever that means.) I've learned to deal with it. I've learned to make the most of it. And I have to admit, that there may have been a time or two that I actually enjoyed it...but not more than three times. I swear.
This past week he was gone for two nights. Now, I don't know if I can blame it on hormones or not, but this time was hard on me. The first night was fine, but the second night, I found myself in a full-out wrestling match with none other than my own stinkin', lyin', evil heart!
I practice (yes, practice, because I am still working on it) the skill of 'taking captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ' that Paul talked about in 2 Corinthians 10:5. But sometimes, one will slip by me. Why? Because there was just enough truth in it to grab hold inside my heart (subconscious mind). It made a little bit of sense. And if I mull it over, twist it around and chew on it for a while, it seems to make more and more sense, until my irrational heart tries to pass it off to my logical brain as fact. Jeremiah 17:9 warns us that "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
Like I said, it could have been hormone induced, but my brain was about to buy in to the lie that my heart was selling...and the wrestling match was on. In this corner, weighing in at 8 pounds, is Lynn's brain! (Applause!) And in this corner, weighing in at just a mere 12 ounces, is heavy-weight champion, the Heart! (Booooo!) The two come out swinging!
Lying in bed, trying to sleep, waiting for his call. I text. He replies. STILL OUT. WILL CALL LATER. At the end of round one, it's the Heart, up by one.
A few unanswered phone calls, another vague text or two...and round two ends with the Heart on the verge of a KO (that's knock-out, for all you non-MMA gals.) as tears start to fall.
Sensing the danger that my brain was in, I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen and fired up the laptop. I thought twice about posting my angst on social media. My bruised and battered brain decided that probably wasn't a good idea. I stared at my cell phone. It was just after midnight. My BFF was surely still awake. I could call her. She would totally be on my side. Again, the brain warned that calling her would allow my deceitful heart to convince her that something was terribly wrong and she would commiserate with me. (That's what friends are for, right??)
Finally, using every ounce of strength I had left in me, I flopped open my Bible, and started literally crying out the name of Jesus. Jesus! Jesus! Help me, Jesus! I couldn't read the small print through the tears, in the shadowy darkness, but having the Word in front of me gave me strength. I knew that I was in a spiritual battle that had nothing to do with my husband. I knew that Satan was sitting ring-side, with all his money on my evil heart to win this bloody battle. I knew that Jesus could step in and intervene on my behalf. He would have to - because without Him, I was going down hard and fast.
As I continued to pray and cry, I suddenly saw what was happening, as if I was a third-person observer. And the words came to me, "I claim the victory and lay hold of whatever great blessing that Satan is trying to keep me from right now, in the name of Jesus!" I know without a doubt that Satan wants my marriage...because of the testimony it is. Because of the lives it affects. Because of the witness it bears. There's no way I'm giving it over to him.
I continued to chant the name of Jesus and when I felt a wave of peace wash over me, I was finally able to go to bed. I was able to let it go. But in the morning, when I dragged myself back to the kitchen in search of coffee, there was my Bible, still laying on top of my computer keyboard where I had left it. I looked down to scan the page. Psalm 4. As I read the words, fresh tears burned my eyes. "Answer me, when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer."
He had answered me, alright. He had given me relief from my distress. He was merciful, and heard my prayer.
I had survived the match. I had won the victory by the Judge's decision. Then came the challenge of keeping my post-event commentary to myself. I waited for my husband's usual morning call. And I dreaded it, because my flesh wanted to call him out on his disinterest and lack of caring the night before. As I 'chased down the decision*' on how to handle the situation, I knew that it was up to me how this day would turn out. I could ruin it by chastising him for what he'd done (or not done) that hurt my feelings. Or I could see it for what it was - an enemy attack on me and pray for wisdom in handling my pain.
Thankfully, I chose the high road (the hard road) and have prayed for wisdom. I will wait for the right moment to open up to my husband about what I went through that night and ask for his help in the future if I ever get in that predicament again. Our day turned out wonderfully. And God honored my conduct. Remember the verse in Jeremiah about the heart being deceitful? Read the next verse. (10) "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." (emphasis mine)
God knows the battles that are waged between our deceitful hearts and our minds that control our conduct. I'm so thankful that He rewards us according to the final outcome - the way we react. That's good news for me, since I seem to have a lot of skirmishes inside my head, but my coach, the Holy Spirit, has trained my mind and things are improving. I'm growing!
Be blessed!!
When does growth occur? In the beautiful, sunny days - when blue skies show no hint of rain? We all know that sunshine is a necessary part of the process, but when we compare a desert to a rain forest, we are forced to admit that growth obviously occurs more prolifically in the rainy conditions than under those sunny, blue skies.
Several days ago, I ran into an old friend who keeps up with me on Facebook. She asked about the grandkids, and other things she had seen me posting about. With a huge smile on her face, she shook her head and said, 'Your life is so perfect!'
Of course, this caused me to raise an eyebrow at her and chuckle. 'Not exactly.'
What she doesn't know is that sometimes, God allows the rain to fall on my spirit, but He does it to bring growth. Beautiful, necessary growth. I'm not ashamed of it. So why doesn't my friend realize that I, too, have 'problems' - just like everyone else? Because I don't advertise them. I am not one who puts all my junk out there for the world to see. I don't seek out commiseration. (It's true, misery loves company...I would even argue that misery needs company to thrive.)
That being said, what I want to share with you today isn't a cry for other disgruntled wives to join in a war-cry. It's a praise report that I hope will give you (or someone you know) hope and encouragement.
My husband isn't perfect. (Shock!) **disclaimer: neither am I!** He's perfect for me, however, and I truly believe that he is the one God created with me in mind. The one who would be my Earthly soul-mate. In his imperfections, there have been some things that have happened over the course of going-on-eighteen years of marriage that have allowed seeds of doubt and distrust to be scattered (not planted - because they weren't put there on purpose. More like weeds that show up and must be constantly pulled or they will soon take over!) My marriage is a testament to God's faithfulness and the kind of forgiveness that He expects us to extend to one another.
Randy's job takes him away from home on average, about once a week, usually an overnight trip. This hasn't been easy - especially when there were seven children at home and baby pigs being born in the barn, but that's another story. He has more Marriott points than you can shake a stick at. (Whatever that means.) I've learned to deal with it. I've learned to make the most of it. And I have to admit, that there may have been a time or two that I actually enjoyed it...but not more than three times. I swear.
This past week he was gone for two nights. Now, I don't know if I can blame it on hormones or not, but this time was hard on me. The first night was fine, but the second night, I found myself in a full-out wrestling match with none other than my own stinkin', lyin', evil heart!
I practice (yes, practice, because I am still working on it) the skill of 'taking captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ' that Paul talked about in 2 Corinthians 10:5. But sometimes, one will slip by me. Why? Because there was just enough truth in it to grab hold inside my heart (subconscious mind). It made a little bit of sense. And if I mull it over, twist it around and chew on it for a while, it seems to make more and more sense, until my irrational heart tries to pass it off to my logical brain as fact. Jeremiah 17:9 warns us that "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
Like I said, it could have been hormone induced, but my brain was about to buy in to the lie that my heart was selling...and the wrestling match was on. In this corner, weighing in at 8 pounds, is Lynn's brain! (Applause!) And in this corner, weighing in at just a mere 12 ounces, is heavy-weight champion, the Heart! (Booooo!) The two come out swinging!
Lying in bed, trying to sleep, waiting for his call. I text. He replies. STILL OUT. WILL CALL LATER. At the end of round one, it's the Heart, up by one.
Sensing the danger that my brain was in, I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen and fired up the laptop. I thought twice about posting my angst on social media. My bruised and battered brain decided that probably wasn't a good idea. I stared at my cell phone. It was just after midnight. My BFF was surely still awake. I could call her. She would totally be on my side. Again, the brain warned that calling her would allow my deceitful heart to convince her that something was terribly wrong and she would commiserate with me. (That's what friends are for, right??)
Finally, using every ounce of strength I had left in me, I flopped open my Bible, and started literally crying out the name of Jesus. Jesus! Jesus! Help me, Jesus! I couldn't read the small print through the tears, in the shadowy darkness, but having the Word in front of me gave me strength. I knew that I was in a spiritual battle that had nothing to do with my husband. I knew that Satan was sitting ring-side, with all his money on my evil heart to win this bloody battle. I knew that Jesus could step in and intervene on my behalf. He would have to - because without Him, I was going down hard and fast.
As I continued to pray and cry, I suddenly saw what was happening, as if I was a third-person observer. And the words came to me, "I claim the victory and lay hold of whatever great blessing that Satan is trying to keep me from right now, in the name of Jesus!" I know without a doubt that Satan wants my marriage...because of the testimony it is. Because of the lives it affects. Because of the witness it bears. There's no way I'm giving it over to him.
I continued to chant the name of Jesus and when I felt a wave of peace wash over me, I was finally able to go to bed. I was able to let it go. But in the morning, when I dragged myself back to the kitchen in search of coffee, there was my Bible, still laying on top of my computer keyboard where I had left it. I looked down to scan the page. Psalm 4. As I read the words, fresh tears burned my eyes. "Answer me, when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer."
He had answered me, alright. He had given me relief from my distress. He was merciful, and heard my prayer.
I had survived the match. I had won the victory by the Judge's decision. Then came the challenge of keeping my post-event commentary to myself. I waited for my husband's usual morning call. And I dreaded it, because my flesh wanted to call him out on his disinterest and lack of caring the night before. As I 'chased down the decision*' on how to handle the situation, I knew that it was up to me how this day would turn out. I could ruin it by chastising him for what he'd done (or not done) that hurt my feelings. Or I could see it for what it was - an enemy attack on me and pray for wisdom in handling my pain.
Thankfully, I chose the high road (the hard road) and have prayed for wisdom. I will wait for the right moment to open up to my husband about what I went through that night and ask for his help in the future if I ever get in that predicament again. Our day turned out wonderfully. And God honored my conduct. Remember the verse in Jeremiah about the heart being deceitful? Read the next verse. (10) "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." (emphasis mine)
God knows the battles that are waged between our deceitful hearts and our minds that control our conduct. I'm so thankful that He rewards us according to the final outcome - the way we react. That's good news for me, since I seem to have a lot of skirmishes inside my head, but my coach, the Holy Spirit, has trained my mind and things are improving. I'm growing! Be blessed!!
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