Not What You'd Expect

Tempers flaring, we stood toe-to-toe.

 

"Well, what did you expect? " He roared.

"Not this! " Tears pooled in my eyes. I stormed away and locked myself in our room.

 

I don't even remember what we were fighting about that day, only how I felt when my expectations had not been met.  I felt like he just didn't care.  I was disappointed. 

 

In all my years of marriage,  I have come to understand one thing.  Every single frustration, no matter what it's about or the degree of emotional turmoil, always boils down to one thing: unmet expectations.   I expected one thing to happen, and it didn't...or I didn't expect something to happen, and it did.  Plain and simple. 

 

I expected a card for Mother's Day.  He forgot. 

I expected him to let me sleep late on Saturday.  He woke me up before the sunrise.

I expected him to put his dirty dishes in the sink before he went to bed.  He left them on the coffee table.

 

- or -

 

I didn't expect him to get mad about _______________, but he did.

I didn't expect his business 'meeting' (golf game) to last all day, but it did.

 

Expectations are the things we are waiting for.  Dictionary.com even lists hope and trust as synonyms of the word expectation, which sheds a little light on why relationships suffer so much when expectations aren't met...when hope and trust are betrayed.  It's a problem.  Shakespeare said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

 

As my grown children are now married and have families of their own, they sometimes call me and ask for my advice, unlike when they were teenagers and thought I was the stupidest human on the planet.  I was having a heart-to-heart chat with my oldest son and we got on the subject of expectations.  I told him my theory about every argument being a result of unmet expectations.  We talked about what he expected from his wife...then I asked him what she expected of him. 

 

He looked blankly at me..."I have no idea."

 

"And that's a problem." I patted his hand across the table. 

 

I advised him to sit down with his wife and write down what they each expected of the other.  Once they were clear on exactly what they each expected, they would have to discuss them and decide together if they were realistic expectations and if they were each able/willing to meet the other's expectations.  If they weren't able, then the expectation would have to be redefined.  If they weren't willing, there was a very different conversation that would have to take place.

The key to success is swapping lists.  Give away your list of expectations.  Stop worrying about what YOU expect of your spouse and focus on meeting his or her expectations of you.  That one shift in perspective can create a strong, healthy marriage.  It's revolutionary. 

 

So often things get 'lost in translation.'  It's the "He said, she heard, he meant..." phenomena.  He said he would be home around six.  She heard, he will be here at exactly 6pm.  He meant he would be home before 7pm.  He expected a pleasant greeting and a warm meal waiting on him.  She expected him to be home at exactly 6pm to eat with her.  By 6:30, his dinner had been fed to the garbage disposal and she's angry.  

 

When tempers flare, and you stand toe-to-toe, try a calm, honest evaluation.

"I'm upset because I expected _______________________________. "

If he didn't know what you were expecting, how could he have chosen to accommodate you?  He may get it right sometimes, just by chance, but until you know that he knows, you really can't hold him accountable to your unspoken ideals. 
 

Mind-reading isn't included in your vows, but clear communication is a must.  Have you had a discussion about expectations?  Are you willing and able to accommodate?  Never expect from your spouse what you would not be willing or able to do.

The most important thing of all: never use your love and affection as an incentive to get him to meet your expectations.  He deserves your love and affection because you made a commitment.  But always remember, you are committed to an imperfect person, and so is he.  Make the best of it.

 

Be blessed.