17 Keys to a Successful Second Marriage - or any marriage, for that matter
We've officially made it! 17 years under our belt as a second-marriage, all-odds-against-us couple. I will tell you that it was no easy feat. Hence the reason I waited until today to post this - had to make sure we made it all the way through the 6,205th day. As dawn broke this morning, I breathed a sigh of relief.
Lots of things, statistically, were against us. Six, in particular. Three his, three mine. Blending a family is never easy. But everyone who knew us thought is was so cute that we were "just like the Brady Bunch." Not exactly. I had no Alice...instead we added another child (the "Ours" baby) and every episode didn't end in smiling faces.
When people ask me, "How did you manage?" They usually ask with a look of utter disbelief on their faces. My answer is (and shall always be) the same. Only by the grace of God. And I am not kidding.
So how did we successfully survive these past 17 years? Well, there's no 'secret formula'. No magic. No 12-step program. No silver bullet. Just some key things you have to understand...
1. Your marriage isn't between the two of you...It's between three of you - Your spouse - God - yourself. God must be at the center of everything in order to have a successful marriage, whether it's your first, second, or tenth. For THIS marriage to work, God has to reside in the middle of it.
2. Start fresh. I think this is important whether you're in a second (or subsequent) marriage - or brand newlyweds for the first time...Get a 'new' place together. A place that was never 'his' or hers' but always 'ours' from the start. A place where another spouse, or girlfriend never lived. A place where you never brought another guy home. And certainly a place where your parents aren't down the hall. Find a place together that meets your needs, fits your budget and create your home together. For some reason when one moves into the other's "space" there is often a feeling of resentment on one or both parts.
3. Pray for each other. Ideally, pray together, for each other. But as a bare-bones minimum, pray for each other. Pray for protection from the enemy physically, spiritually and emotionally. When Satan attacks any one of these areas, it will affect the other two. And it's hard to be mad at someone when you're praying for them. And I don't mean, "Dear God, please make ___________ a better husband." I mean to pray for their well-being, the trials in their life, the challenges they face...and then ask God to make YOU a better wife to your husband. When you ask God to work on your issues instead of fixing your husband's issues, miracles happen.
4. Don't fight in front of the kids! Kids are very intuitive. They know when something's not right. They don't have to have a ring-side seat to your knock-down-drag-outs. And you can't pretend that you never have disagreements with your spouse, but by keeping the kids out o the line-of-fire, you give them more security and they will sense when the 'storm has passed' and understand that a quarrel doesn't mean the end of the world.
5. Never, ever speak poorly of your spouse to anyone - especially your mother. You love him. He will tick you off one minute and make you weep with joy the next...but if you call your mother in that split-second in between, all she knows is that he hurt your feelings. And she doesn't love him like you do, so she won't get over it as quickly as you do...so trust me on this one. Take your grievances to the One who loves unconditionally: God Almighty. (see key #3)
6. Treat THIS marriage as if it were the first, the last and the only one. Don't compare this marriage to the last one. Don't take one day for granted and never use the 'D' word. It's NOT an option. And if you ever think that it is - it will likely become an inevitable end. Ditch your plan B. Get ALL IN. Because once you said "I Do" it's too late to get out. Period.
7. Share the love...and the money. A joint bank account and a budget that allows 'mad money' for each of you is an important key to success. It breaks my heart when I hear couples use phrases like, "his money" or "I buy the groceries and he pays the mortgage." My husband taught me this in the most selfless way...as his paycheck went into a joint account, week after week and he planned and budgeted and brought us through some challenging times. When I finally started to make big-girl pay, I would talk about how to spend 'my' money. One day he asked me why he always referred to his paycheck as 'our' money, but I kept referring to my paycheck as 'my' money. Hmmm. He was exactly right. And it builds trust to know where the money is going. So agree to a weekly amount for each of you for discretionary spending, and the rest is budgeted.
8. Go to bed together as often as you can...as in you're both ready for bed after the news...so you crawl between the covers at the same time. This is a perfect time for snuggling, sweet-talk, and prayer. This is NOT the time to bring up an argument from earlier in the day, or drop some new bomb on him...this is special time. My husband is great about this. Even if he can't go to sleep, he will join me, try his best to go to sleep - and occasionally, once I am asleep, he will get up and return to the couch to bore himself to sleepiness with brainless late-night television.
9. Respect each other's children. Maybe they were cute and young when you married, so they were easy to love...maybe they were teenagers, embittered by an ugly divorce and see you as the enemy...whatever the case, they are HIS children. You love him, and he needs you to treat his children fairly, with the kindness you would extend to any of your friends' children. Keep in mind, that true love is never an emotional state -whether between a husband and wife, or step-parent and step-child. Love is a decision to treat the other person with patience, kindness, forgiveness, etc. (See 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) The description of love that Paul gives us, isn't just between lovers. It's meant to be exhibited between all people. We are called to love. So why is that sometimes so difficult with the people who live under the same roof as we do?
10. Attend church as a family as often as you can. And don't leave Junior at home because 'he didn't want to go.' He probably didn't want to go to fifth grade, either...
11. Have dinner as a family as often as possible. This is something that meant a lot to our children growing up. It was a chance to talk to everyone about what was going on in their world. Sometimes we'd ask a general question and go around the table, allowing each child to give their answer. Many of our best memories were made crowded around the dining room table. One of their favorites: the epic food fight. It was fish sticks, peas and macaroni (I know, nothing gourmet with 7 children!) As one of the girls finished with the blessing, I winked at my husband and as the children opened their eyes and raised their heads, we assaulted them with fish sticks and spoons-full of peas. They giggled and squealed and joined us in the attack. I don't know how anyone got enough food in their bellies to satisfy their hunger, but no one complained. And the children were happy to help scrape macaroni noodles off the linoleum floor.
12. Have a sense of humor! (see key #11)
13. Always date your mate. Keep it simple - or plan something outlandish. But never stop putting effort and creativity into your relationship. One year for our anniversary, I planned a special overnight trip to downtown Indianapolis. This took major coordinating, with seven children at home. I enlisted the help of friends and family. I even got my husband's boss to schedule a 'meeting' for him so that he wouldn't have anything else going on at work. I checked into a beautiful hotel, where I unpacked everything we would need for a fun night; I had arranged for a limo to pick me up and take me to his office, where I would surprise him. Then we went ice skating, which is how we met. We ate a late lunch at an Irish pub, where I read romantic poems to him. I scheduled a carriage ride around the circle. We had a fabulous dinner at one of our very favorite restaurants...it was a blissful 36 hours. Don't wait for your husband to plan everything. Men like surprises too. A picnic basket, an old blanket and his pick-up truck, parked in our pasture was just as wonderful as any expensive dinner. There are lots of great ideas online, or at your local book store.
14. Have a hobby that you both enjoy and can participate in together. My younger brother and his wife just bought motorcycles. They will make many great memories together, touring the countryside. I happen to enjoy watching NFL games with my husband. Attending a Colts game is even better.
15. Take a vacation. Together. Alone. Enough said.
16.. Forgive quickly and often. If it helps, remember how difficult you can be to live with and how many times you've been forgiven. When Satan tries to bring up 'old dirt' just say the name of JESUS and start speaking out things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable...excellent or praiseworthy...(Phil. 4:8) That's the fastest way to shift your thinking.
17. Support each other. Especially when it comes to disciplining the children. Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. But you MUST present a united front to the children. You can hash out any disagreements behind closed doors, (see key #4) but in all matters of discipline, you need to 'have his back'. If those perceptive little creatures ever get it in their heads that they can create a division between the two of you, they will stop short of nothing to do so again and again.
And a bonus key: remember that the two of you are on the same team. When issues arise, as they always do, imagine that you're sitting in chairs across from each fighting... when you realize that you both want the same result, you can turn your chairs so that you're side-by-side and fight the issue. Not each other.
There are many more things I could list here... but I will stop here. For now.
My prayer is that these keys will help you as you strive to create a marriage that honors God. It's never too late to start.
Be blessed!
Lots of things, statistically, were against us. Six, in particular. Three his, three mine. Blending a family is never easy. But everyone who knew us thought is was so cute that we were "just like the Brady Bunch." Not exactly. I had no Alice...instead we added another child (the "Ours" baby) and every episode didn't end in smiling faces.
When people ask me, "How did you manage?" They usually ask with a look of utter disbelief on their faces. My answer is (and shall always be) the same. Only by the grace of God. And I am not kidding.
So how did we successfully survive these past 17 years? Well, there's no 'secret formula'. No magic. No 12-step program. No silver bullet. Just some key things you have to understand...1. Your marriage isn't between the two of you...It's between three of you - Your spouse - God - yourself. God must be at the center of everything in order to have a successful marriage, whether it's your first, second, or tenth. For THIS marriage to work, God has to reside in the middle of it.
2. Start fresh. I think this is important whether you're in a second (or subsequent) marriage - or brand newlyweds for the first time...Get a 'new' place together. A place that was never 'his' or hers' but always 'ours' from the start. A place where another spouse, or girlfriend never lived. A place where you never brought another guy home. And certainly a place where your parents aren't down the hall. Find a place together that meets your needs, fits your budget and create your home together. For some reason when one moves into the other's "space" there is often a feeling of resentment on one or both parts.
3. Pray for each other. Ideally, pray together, for each other. But as a bare-bones minimum, pray for each other. Pray for protection from the enemy physically, spiritually and emotionally. When Satan attacks any one of these areas, it will affect the other two. And it's hard to be mad at someone when you're praying for them. And I don't mean, "Dear God, please make ___________ a better husband." I mean to pray for their well-being, the trials in their life, the challenges they face...and then ask God to make YOU a better wife to your husband. When you ask God to work on your issues instead of fixing your husband's issues, miracles happen.
4. Don't fight in front of the kids! Kids are very intuitive. They know when something's not right. They don't have to have a ring-side seat to your knock-down-drag-outs. And you can't pretend that you never have disagreements with your spouse, but by keeping the kids out o the line-of-fire, you give them more security and they will sense when the 'storm has passed' and understand that a quarrel doesn't mean the end of the world.
5. Never, ever speak poorly of your spouse to anyone - especially your mother. You love him. He will tick you off one minute and make you weep with joy the next...but if you call your mother in that split-second in between, all she knows is that he hurt your feelings. And she doesn't love him like you do, so she won't get over it as quickly as you do...so trust me on this one. Take your grievances to the One who loves unconditionally: God Almighty. (see key #3)
6. Treat THIS marriage as if it were the first, the last and the only one. Don't compare this marriage to the last one. Don't take one day for granted and never use the 'D' word. It's NOT an option. And if you ever think that it is - it will likely become an inevitable end. Ditch your plan B. Get ALL IN. Because once you said "I Do" it's too late to get out. Period.
7. Share the love...and the money. A joint bank account and a budget that allows 'mad money' for each of you is an important key to success. It breaks my heart when I hear couples use phrases like, "his money" or "I buy the groceries and he pays the mortgage." My husband taught me this in the most selfless way...as his paycheck went into a joint account, week after week and he planned and budgeted and brought us through some challenging times. When I finally started to make big-girl pay, I would talk about how to spend 'my' money. One day he asked me why he always referred to his paycheck as 'our' money, but I kept referring to my paycheck as 'my' money. Hmmm. He was exactly right. And it builds trust to know where the money is going. So agree to a weekly amount for each of you for discretionary spending, and the rest is budgeted.
8. Go to bed together as often as you can...as in you're both ready for bed after the news...so you crawl between the covers at the same time. This is a perfect time for snuggling, sweet-talk, and prayer. This is NOT the time to bring up an argument from earlier in the day, or drop some new bomb on him...this is special time. My husband is great about this. Even if he can't go to sleep, he will join me, try his best to go to sleep - and occasionally, once I am asleep, he will get up and return to the couch to bore himself to sleepiness with brainless late-night television.
9. Respect each other's children. Maybe they were cute and young when you married, so they were easy to love...maybe they were teenagers, embittered by an ugly divorce and see you as the enemy...whatever the case, they are HIS children. You love him, and he needs you to treat his children fairly, with the kindness you would extend to any of your friends' children. Keep in mind, that true love is never an emotional state -whether between a husband and wife, or step-parent and step-child. Love is a decision to treat the other person with patience, kindness, forgiveness, etc. (See 1 Corinthians 13:4-7) The description of love that Paul gives us, isn't just between lovers. It's meant to be exhibited between all people. We are called to love. So why is that sometimes so difficult with the people who live under the same roof as we do?
10. Attend church as a family as often as you can. And don't leave Junior at home because 'he didn't want to go.' He probably didn't want to go to fifth grade, either...
11. Have dinner as a family as often as possible. This is something that meant a lot to our children growing up. It was a chance to talk to everyone about what was going on in their world. Sometimes we'd ask a general question and go around the table, allowing each child to give their answer. Many of our best memories were made crowded around the dining room table. One of their favorites: the epic food fight. It was fish sticks, peas and macaroni (I know, nothing gourmet with 7 children!) As one of the girls finished with the blessing, I winked at my husband and as the children opened their eyes and raised their heads, we assaulted them with fish sticks and spoons-full of peas. They giggled and squealed and joined us in the attack. I don't know how anyone got enough food in their bellies to satisfy their hunger, but no one complained. And the children were happy to help scrape macaroni noodles off the linoleum floor.
12. Have a sense of humor! (see key #11)
13. Always date your mate. Keep it simple - or plan something outlandish. But never stop putting effort and creativity into your relationship. One year for our anniversary, I planned a special overnight trip to downtown Indianapolis. This took major coordinating, with seven children at home. I enlisted the help of friends and family. I even got my husband's boss to schedule a 'meeting' for him so that he wouldn't have anything else going on at work. I checked into a beautiful hotel, where I unpacked everything we would need for a fun night; I had arranged for a limo to pick me up and take me to his office, where I would surprise him. Then we went ice skating, which is how we met. We ate a late lunch at an Irish pub, where I read romantic poems to him. I scheduled a carriage ride around the circle. We had a fabulous dinner at one of our very favorite restaurants...it was a blissful 36 hours. Don't wait for your husband to plan everything. Men like surprises too. A picnic basket, an old blanket and his pick-up truck, parked in our pasture was just as wonderful as any expensive dinner. There are lots of great ideas online, or at your local book store.
14. Have a hobby that you both enjoy and can participate in together. My younger brother and his wife just bought motorcycles. They will make many great memories together, touring the countryside. I happen to enjoy watching NFL games with my husband. Attending a Colts game is even better.
16.. Forgive quickly and often. If it helps, remember how difficult you can be to live with and how many times you've been forgiven. When Satan tries to bring up 'old dirt' just say the name of JESUS and start speaking out things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable...excellent or praiseworthy...(Phil. 4:8) That's the fastest way to shift your thinking.
17. Support each other. Especially when it comes to disciplining the children. Maybe you agree, maybe you don't. But you MUST present a united front to the children. You can hash out any disagreements behind closed doors, (see key #4) but in all matters of discipline, you need to 'have his back'. If those perceptive little creatures ever get it in their heads that they can create a division between the two of you, they will stop short of nothing to do so again and again.
And a bonus key: remember that the two of you are on the same team. When issues arise, as they always do, imagine that you're sitting in chairs across from each fighting... when you realize that you both want the same result, you can turn your chairs so that you're side-by-side and fight the issue. Not each other.
There are many more things I could list here... but I will stop here. For now.
My prayer is that these keys will help you as you strive to create a marriage that honors God. It's never too late to start.
Be blessed!
Each of these are things I don't have and will never have. Makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteBB, my prayers are with you at this moment. God bless.
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