Better Sex by Monday
I knew that title would get ya! Who doesn't want better sex?
First disclaimer...God intended sex to be within the confines of marriage. The best sex you'll ever have is with your spouse, because that's the relationship blessed by God.
Ok, now that we've got that straight... let's talk.
So many things keep us from enjoying a good, healthy sexual relationship...stress, finances, exhaustion, the kids among others. Assuming those other things aren't physical or emotional damage that is truly inhibiting us, then let's call ourselves 'normal' (for the sake of this discussion)...and before anyone gets upset with me, I'm not saying that someone with physical or emotional problems isn't normal...I'm just not sure how to get my point across without using common language, so if you would, please show me some grace as we approach this subject.
Deep breath...ok, so I'm not sure where we (my husband and I) learned these things - I believe some of it was at a marriage retreat, so these aren't things I can take credit for thinking of - only being wise enough to try it and happy enough to share it.
If you've read my blog before, you already know that we raised seven great kids. No, I didn't give birth to all of them, (my body couldn't have handled another one after my fourth pregnancy. That nearly killed me (figuratively speaking).) I was appointed by God to be the less-than-perfect-step-mother of three precious children. They, like my own children, had their less-than-precious moments...but all children are precious. Especially when they are sleeping. (ha ha)
With so many little people in the house, it was hard to relax enough to be able to enjoy some intimate husband and wife time...if ya know what I mean. So we had to become very intentional about spending quality time together. Over the past seventeen years, we have discovered a few things on our own, but mostly taken the advice of others and put it to good use.
1. Pray about it! Have you ever said a prayer of thanks to God as you climb between the sheets? Doesn't have to be out loud, but acknowledge that sex is a beautiful gift from God and thank Him for it. Ask Him to bless your time together and to help you make your husband's needs a priority. Amazing things happen when you focus on putting your husband's needs ahead of your own, and being the selfish creatures that we are, we could most certainly use His help on this one.
2. Make your bedroom a sanctuary. Now, don't get confused and think that I mean for you to hang pictures of Jesus over your bed or to make an altar out of your chest of drawers. I mean the definition of sanctuary that is a place of refuge or asylum. I love that the word asylum is associated with the dictionary definition of the word sanctuary, as I'm using it...because let's face it - when momma ain't happy, ain't no body happy. Right? And too long without some sexual satisfaction has been known to make a gal cranky. Enough said.
How do you make your bedroom a sanctuary? Think elegant hotel room... why do we associate 'hot sex' with hotel room?? Because there's no stack of Better Housekeeping next to the bed, there's no shotgun and cleaning kit propped behind the door. No basket of needing-to-be-folded laundry on the chair, no stack of bills on the night stand, no treadmill-turned-clothes-rack standing in the corner... let's face it, should you find yourself headed in the direction of 'heated passion' and you look over your shoulder to see a stack of unpaid bills on the night stand...that can pretty much kill the mood.
If you're serious about this, then take this weekend, invest in a couple gallons of paint and some new throw pillows.... take the blanket off the window and get some real curtains. Buy some fragrant candles and a lamp with a dark shade. Set the mood. It's an investment that's far cheaper than therapy.
3. Drown out the noise. I don't mean so that you can't hear the kids...I mean so that the kids can't hear you. Get a speaker that works with your cell phone or MP3 player and select a playlist that's conducive to romance...or whatever floats your boat. Sometimes we like some 'beachy' music to mentally take us on a Caribbean vacation. Even more fun if you turn up the thermostat a little. ;)
4. Put it on lock down. I remember when we first bought our old farm house and our master bedroom was a small room (just like the other three) and our lock was a hook and eye. I couldn't relax for fear of an angry six-year-old busting the little eye screw out of the wooden door frame in a fit of rage. For months, I kept one eye on that door the entire time we were 'knowing' each other in the Biblical way.
When we were finally able to add on a master suite to our house, my husband (who works in the technology industry) surprised me with the ultimate in child-proof safety...a fingerprint door lock for our master bedroom! We finally had a way to escape from the children and I felt safe enough to relax! The kids thought it was cool and showed all their friends...which always made for interesting conversation when we would see their parents. "Little Johnny says you have a fingerprint lock on your bedroom..." Why yes...yes, we do.
5. Schedule your alone time. Remember...seven kids? Yes...we had to sometimes schedule time for sex. Put it on your calendar. Plan for it. Find a sitter (preferably a place to take the kids) or plan some lunch time delight while the kids are at school. You schedule other important things, like teeth cleaning or oil changes... keeping your marriage in good health is certainly more important than that.
I found that scheduling this time gave it a little bit of a risqué feel. I began thinking about it as I was getting ready for the day. I would shave my legs... wear matching lingerie and the perfume that he likes the best. Start thinking about what you can do to set the mood. Flirt over coffee. Send playful text messages. Let him know you're looking forward to your time together.
6. Take care of yourself. This seems like a no-brainer, but is definitely worth mentioning. Your self-care will enhance your intimacy with your husband. You have to value yourself in order to feel valued by him. If your health is a problem, see a doctor...talk to a trusted friend. Seek the help you need to be healthy and whole. Your husband deserves the best YOU.
These are just a few things that you can try in the next few days...I hope that you'll take a proactive stance on your marriage and always be striving to improve what you have. Don't wait for things to get 'bad' before you give it your attention. Just like anything, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...it's easier to catch a problem early on. Satan is after your marriage - don't think for one second that he's not. It's up to us to protect it and treasure it.
I hope you'll share your practical tips and advice with me and with each other!
Be blessed!
First disclaimer...God intended sex to be within the confines of marriage. The best sex you'll ever have is with your spouse, because that's the relationship blessed by God.
Ok, now that we've got that straight... let's talk.
So many things keep us from enjoying a good, healthy sexual relationship...stress, finances, exhaustion, the kids among others. Assuming those other things aren't physical or emotional damage that is truly inhibiting us, then let's call ourselves 'normal' (for the sake of this discussion)...and before anyone gets upset with me, I'm not saying that someone with physical or emotional problems isn't normal...I'm just not sure how to get my point across without using common language, so if you would, please show me some grace as we approach this subject.
Deep breath...ok, so I'm not sure where we (my husband and I) learned these things - I believe some of it was at a marriage retreat, so these aren't things I can take credit for thinking of - only being wise enough to try it and happy enough to share it.
If you've read my blog before, you already know that we raised seven great kids. No, I didn't give birth to all of them, (my body couldn't have handled another one after my fourth pregnancy. That nearly killed me (figuratively speaking).) I was appointed by God to be the less-than-perfect-step-mother of three precious children. They, like my own children, had their less-than-precious moments...but all children are precious. Especially when they are sleeping. (ha ha)
With so many little people in the house, it was hard to relax enough to be able to enjoy some intimate husband and wife time...if ya know what I mean. So we had to become very intentional about spending quality time together. Over the past seventeen years, we have discovered a few things on our own, but mostly taken the advice of others and put it to good use.
1. Pray about it! Have you ever said a prayer of thanks to God as you climb between the sheets? Doesn't have to be out loud, but acknowledge that sex is a beautiful gift from God and thank Him for it. Ask Him to bless your time together and to help you make your husband's needs a priority. Amazing things happen when you focus on putting your husband's needs ahead of your own, and being the selfish creatures that we are, we could most certainly use His help on this one.
2. Make your bedroom a sanctuary. Now, don't get confused and think that I mean for you to hang pictures of Jesus over your bed or to make an altar out of your chest of drawers. I mean the definition of sanctuary that is a place of refuge or asylum. I love that the word asylum is associated with the dictionary definition of the word sanctuary, as I'm using it...because let's face it - when momma ain't happy, ain't no body happy. Right? And too long without some sexual satisfaction has been known to make a gal cranky. Enough said.
How do you make your bedroom a sanctuary? Think elegant hotel room... why do we associate 'hot sex' with hotel room?? Because there's no stack of Better Housekeeping next to the bed, there's no shotgun and cleaning kit propped behind the door. No basket of needing-to-be-folded laundry on the chair, no stack of bills on the night stand, no treadmill-turned-clothes-rack standing in the corner... let's face it, should you find yourself headed in the direction of 'heated passion' and you look over your shoulder to see a stack of unpaid bills on the night stand...that can pretty much kill the mood.
If you're serious about this, then take this weekend, invest in a couple gallons of paint and some new throw pillows.... take the blanket off the window and get some real curtains. Buy some fragrant candles and a lamp with a dark shade. Set the mood. It's an investment that's far cheaper than therapy.
3. Drown out the noise. I don't mean so that you can't hear the kids...I mean so that the kids can't hear you. Get a speaker that works with your cell phone or MP3 player and select a playlist that's conducive to romance...or whatever floats your boat. Sometimes we like some 'beachy' music to mentally take us on a Caribbean vacation. Even more fun if you turn up the thermostat a little. ;)
4. Put it on lock down. I remember when we first bought our old farm house and our master bedroom was a small room (just like the other three) and our lock was a hook and eye. I couldn't relax for fear of an angry six-year-old busting the little eye screw out of the wooden door frame in a fit of rage. For months, I kept one eye on that door the entire time we were 'knowing' each other in the Biblical way. When we were finally able to add on a master suite to our house, my husband (who works in the technology industry) surprised me with the ultimate in child-proof safety...a fingerprint door lock for our master bedroom! We finally had a way to escape from the children and I felt safe enough to relax! The kids thought it was cool and showed all their friends...which always made for interesting conversation when we would see their parents. "Little Johnny says you have a fingerprint lock on your bedroom..." Why yes...yes, we do.
5. Schedule your alone time. Remember...seven kids? Yes...we had to sometimes schedule time for sex. Put it on your calendar. Plan for it. Find a sitter (preferably a place to take the kids) or plan some lunch time delight while the kids are at school. You schedule other important things, like teeth cleaning or oil changes... keeping your marriage in good health is certainly more important than that.
I found that scheduling this time gave it a little bit of a risqué feel. I began thinking about it as I was getting ready for the day. I would shave my legs... wear matching lingerie and the perfume that he likes the best. Start thinking about what you can do to set the mood. Flirt over coffee. Send playful text messages. Let him know you're looking forward to your time together.
6. Take care of yourself. This seems like a no-brainer, but is definitely worth mentioning. Your self-care will enhance your intimacy with your husband. You have to value yourself in order to feel valued by him. If your health is a problem, see a doctor...talk to a trusted friend. Seek the help you need to be healthy and whole. Your husband deserves the best YOU.
These are just a few things that you can try in the next few days...I hope that you'll take a proactive stance on your marriage and always be striving to improve what you have. Don't wait for things to get 'bad' before you give it your attention. Just like anything, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...it's easier to catch a problem early on. Satan is after your marriage - don't think for one second that he's not. It's up to us to protect it and treasure it.
I hope you'll share your practical tips and advice with me and with each other!
Be blessed!
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